Having It Both Ways: How Conquering Discipline and Atmosphere Cures Picky Eating by Anna Migeon

Charlotte Mason’s philosophy of rearing a child can be summarized in one directive: “feed my lambs,” which she defines as “pasturing,” or “placing them in the midst of abundant food.”[1] “Place” is a key word: setting certain clear, nonnegotiable limits, we keep the lambs in the pasture where they belong, gently but firmly, so they can willingly satisfy their own natural appetites.

If parents do their job, children are supposed to become like those lambs who kept eagerly reading when their teacher left the classroom, as recounted in An Essay Towards a Philosophy of Education. She “left them in the pasture and came back and found them feeding.”[2] They didn’t dump their books with eyes alight when the teacher left, like a child finally swallowing the mandatory ninth bite of pureed brussels sprouts and about to get a brownie.

What those lambs wanted to do and what they ought to do were aligned like stars. The teacher knew her job was not to induce the lambs to eat, but to set up the pasture, then keep them there till they settled down and got a taste of the good stuff.

When I have worked with parents who struggle with picky eating, I’ve spent most of my time talking about the pasturing that was in place in that CM classroom: establishing good habits and an atmosphere of respect, and offering only healthy choices. Coercing children to eat would be rendered unnecessary; eating would take care of itself, I’d tell them.

What I was failing to transmit, and the possible reason for the hopeless looks I often got, finally dawned on me when finally one mom asked the question: “But how do you do that? How do you get them to even sit at the table?”

Indeed, how can we nourish spirits with great ideas or nourish bodies with healthy meals if we can’t get them to quit filling up on junk food, sit down, pay attention, quit screaming or throwing food? CM theories are just that—theories—if we aren’t able to get basic cooperation from a child. How do we even start to form good habits if we can’t get them to mind us?

What parent doesn’t wish she were able to get children to mind her, simply obey without a fuss? The conditions of having a happy dinner table, free of arguing and chaos, and where children eat well, start with one foundational condition: that parents exercise basic authority over their children. The question is: how do we get there?

Miss Mason gives us some guiding principles to help establish true authority with a child, without resorting to punishment or rewards to coerce children into doing what we want them to do.

Nip it in the bud

One of Miss Mason’s most compelling, transformative ideas is that “children’s faults are serious.”[3] Because toddlers are young we tend to let them form habits of misbehavior, instead of wisely intervening early. So it gets ever harder to reverse the trend.

“If a mother settle it in her own mind that the child never does wrong without being made aware of his wrong-doing, she will see that he is not too young to have his fault corrected or prevented,” Miss Mason tells us.[4]

I have sometimes observed toddlers screaming at the table, with not an iota of parental disapproval. Instead, parents ignore it or scramble to make the child happy so the screaming will stop. Those parents might as well tell them, “Screaming is just the way to get whatever you want.”

If instead we inform a child from the first time that a behavior is not acceptable, a stern look is sufficient to nip it in the bud, as Miss Mason tells us.

We can tell her, “No! sweetie, we do not scream.” With stern disapproval in our voice and with serious, steady eye contact and a firm hand on the child, we can make clear that she needs to change direction. Even a tiny toddler can understand that screaming hurts ears and brings a scowl. She can learn that screaming is not for the table, but for the playground. She’ll test you, but stay firm against it until the idea sticks.

It’s not about you

To laugh off or overlook misbehavior is to “sow the wind,”[5] Miss Mason warns us. If we don’t mean what we say, if we back down under a child’s manipulations, we fail to teach respect of right and authority. Children will reason that if we can do what we feel like doing, so can they. We fail to show them that we are as “law-compelled”[6] as they are.

I recently heard one young mom bragging how she told her youngster he couldn’t have a cupcake, but then had to give in when the little tyke adorably sang songs about Jesus while continuing to beg. Miss Mason tells a similar story of a preschooler who won’t stop sticking his hand in the sugar bowl. He manages to make his mom laugh so she brushes off his naughtiness.

“The child has learned to believe that he has nothing to overcome but his mother’s disinclination,” she explains. “Henceforward the child’s life becomes an endless struggle to get his own way.” [7] In comes chaos.

Stay in your lane

The good news is you can have it both ways, children who both eat well and behave, by holding them to good behavior, but not the opposite.

A friend of mine, Elaine, told me her tot was throwing food all over the place every meal and wondered what she should do about it.

“Why don’t you firmly tell Wade to stop and take the food away from him completely if he still refuses to mind?” I asked her. “Tell him ‘food belongs on the table’?”

“I’m afraid to do anything like that, to end the meal, because I’m afraid he might still be hungry,” she explained. Wade was having it his way, both ways, when Mom could have been.

If he knew that he might be left hungry if he didn’t stop throwing food, he wouldn’t starve; he’d just quit throwing food and take charge of his own appetite. If every meal, your child knows he will have to stay in his seat at the table to get any food, he won’t starve; he’ll just learn to get with the program. Sweetly but firmly, stick with such requirements, one at a time, until habit is formed and debate ends.

Start now

“If you’re going to make a change, don’t be subtle,” advises the author of a recent Wall Street Journal article bemoaning our “culture of disrespect,” “Parenting in the Age of Awfulness.” With early direct instruction and firm refusal to back down, we can instill an atmosphere of respect in our homes.

We can all be thankful that parenting is a job with a clean slate daily of opportunities to make better moves and launch better habits. The days with our little ones are numbered, though. Gently, but firmly, set your child straight from the start, or at least start today: or as my mom used to say, immediately if not sooner. You’ll be one giant step closer to achieving that pasture where your lambs will willingly and docilely feed.

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Anna Migeon is the mom of two young adults who have always eaten anything put on the table, from cow tongue to turnips. The one time they resisted, within 10 seconds they were begging for a taste. Her children were born in France, where Anna was inspired by the strong food traditions, delicious dishes and healthy attitudes toward eating. Her children attended Charlotte Mason schools, where Anna learned more about raising kids who love what’s good for them. Anna has conducted workshops, coached parents and written about how to get picky kids to eat better according to Charlotte Mason’s educational philosophy. Her blog is “Sacred Appetite: Restoring Healthy and Harmonious Family Meals.” Anna lives in San Antonio.

[1]An Essay Towards a Philosophy of Education 81

[2]An Essay Towards a Philosophy of Education 81

[3] Home Education 19

[4] Home Education 19

[5] Home Education 19

[6] Home Education 15

[7] Home Education 15

© 2016 Anna Migeon